i know i said i wasn't going to post anymore but i just wanted to say that my life is the best it's ever been and i'm incredibly happy. so much has changed for the better including me.

if anyone is around for the summer let's meet up. yes?

This will most likely be my last entry.
No one uses this thing anymore.
There doesn't seem to be a point to keeping it.

I just wanted to say, and I don't even care if you read this because it's more for me than you because you never gave me the opportunity to get any kind of closure, that this is my closure. You are officially out of my life. Forever. I hope you're happy and I hope you don't wake up in the middle of the night in a few years regretting your choice and wishing you could go back. I won't be here.

You aren't the person I fell in love with anymore.
That person couldn't do what you did.
I hope you can live with yourself.

And when he leaves you (and he will) I hope you realize how much of an empty person you are.

"When you burn in hell they remind you
Of all the things you've screwed up in your life
I'll be one of them, if you're inclined to
Turn away from the ever glowing light"
- Say Anything

I'm so moving on.

I'm loved. I have so many friends who care so much about me. I'm going to get through this and I'm going to get healthy and one day soon, with enough work, I'll be a whole person again.

Have a good life, I know I will.

I love everyone who's stuck with me through these years of highschool and beginning college. I don't show it but it means so much. Thanks for everything. If I haven't talked to you in awhile I hope your well and happy.

I've decided that my new philosophy on life is that people need to take care of each other cause we're all we have. My new ideal is that I will never turn my back on anyone in need. Ever. No matter how much I hate them. I've learned alot. And I'm still really fucked up.

But I'm going to get better.

Thanks guys and thanks livejournal we've been through alot.
I'll see you,
Brian

<3

I forgot how miserably depressing the Cure's Disintegration is.

Holy fuck that's one of the saddest things I've heard.
I really need to not listen to this right now.

So I woke up to the new Jimmy Eat World album today and I heard a lyric that basically sums up how I feel about myself these days. Just thought I'd share;

"Back when I was younger I was someone you'd have liked."

That's a great lyric. Says a lot in only a few words.

John Lennon's song Happy Xmas War Is Over always makes me cry at this time of year. Because he's so right.

So this is Christmas
And what have you done?
Another year over
And a new one just begun.

This year has been exciting. I don't consider it a waste. Some bad stuff happened which makes me feel more like I'm sleepwalking through life than anything else. But seriously, what have I done? Not much.

I get nostalgic for things that never really happened...is that normal?

I always seem to come to the conclusion that my life will get better if I just wait...I say that that situation is bad right now or my mood will pick up and things will turn around or (ready for a bitch of a run-on sentence?) just wait till you're a starving actor living in the city and all your friends are living in the city too and you can go out to gay bars and get drunk, do recreational drugs and sleep with random strangers...which is apparently all I really aspire to doing at this point in my life.

I really have a problem with priorities. I sincerely believe that there is something interesting about self-destruction. Which explains...a good portion of my life.

The thing is I honestly want to be Kurt Cobain, I want to be Janis Joplin, I want to be Sylvia Plath, J.D Salinger, Hunter S. Thompson, Elliott Smith. Honestly. I have a really confusing death wish. Because the thing is I don't want to die. Right now. But I do want to do something great and unprecedented and then die at a young age.

Not because I want everyone to feel sorry for me. That's not it at all.

I have a fear of growing old. I've never really addressed the fact that I am SO FUCKING ANGRY that I have diabetes. My rage at the universe for this is incredible. I lose over 100 pounds, I get into a top acting school, I'm getting on the right medication, my life is turning the fuck around and then...SMASH. Diabetes. A constant reminder of the fact that I'm not going to be young forever. My biggest fear, apart from being completely alone, is aging. I want to die well before I have to have someone else take care of me, before I lose my ability to reason, before I lose my ability to fuck.

I've become a slightly decadent, slightly materialistic person. I like sex. I like drugs. I like drinking. I like expensive things. I like partying. I like pretending that I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. And if you're judging me right now I can honestly say, fuck you.

This was a pointless entry. I've just wasted a few minutes of your life.

I consistently and without fail want exactly what I can't have and take for granted the things I do have.

While I realize this is pretty much true of everyone I don't think many other people (who I have met at least) pursue this idea to the ends of self-destruction that I do.

The following has been true of my love life since I turned 15:
When I am in a relationship the only thing I want is out of that relationship and when I am out of a relationship the only thing I want is back in.

I've had two relationships since returning to college this semester and who knows how many random fucks. And they all leave me vaguely annoyed. Cause after having sex, no matter who is in the bed besides me, I find myself thinking the exact same thing every time, "Will you please just go home?" And I have pretty much consistently thought that for the past four years and I have with two exceptions cheated at least twice on every boyfriend I've had since 15.

It's all very confusing. I recognize that my ideal of love is unattainable and therefore I will probably be dissatisfied with everyone for the rest of my life. I'm okay with this. Or maybe I just pretend to be. I can't read myself anymore. But I'm fine. I'm alive and all that shit.

I think I just need something new. As is often the case with me. I love new things because I get bored very very quickly.

Oh well. Everyone should listen to Boxer by the National. Because it's phenomenal.

things are okay.

i have the best friends that anyone could ever ask for. seriously, the people here that i love and love me hold my world together. these people are helping me to get healthy even when i don't want to. i love them.

here's an update.

sex: i have a good amount of it. with random people. have had two different relationships since school started and couldn't maintain either of them. for the record both breakups were because of me. either i got bored or god drunk and cheated. oh well.

school: i'm a good actor. i've come to realize that most people here consider me a very good actor. i've improved drastically within the past year and a half. it's a nice feeling. i'm very busy though. which is good. and next semester i'm an understudy in a professional equity show!!! yay equity points!

therapy: my bi polar has been kinda out of control lately. i forget to take my mood stabilizers sometimes and the drugs that i take on a regular basis sometimes fucks with the meds. but i'm ok. i'm still alive. there have been a few close calls. but i'm alive.

health: i forget to take my insulin sometimes. that's not good. other than that, i've lost almost 10 more pounds so far this year. down to 150. i need to stop losing weight now. i just forget to eat sometimes. i'm very busy. and food is the least of my concern.

music: i listen to mostly indie, and 90's emo. depending on my mood. but im open to basically all genres. i love music. i've gotten much better at guitar. practice will do that. and i think my voice has improved due to the linklater classes. music is a very important part of my life. say anything is probably my favorite band right now. with the references to alot of promiscous sex and drug use and mental disorders, i can relate very well to it at this point in my life.

i don't know what else there is to say. i like school. i'm having fun. i get depressed sometimes but someone always calls me up with something and that fixes that.

i do need to stop hurting boys though. they tend to fall in love with me and then i run. breaking hearts has never looked so cool. oh well. they'll live. that's harsh i know. but no one was ever gentle with me so why should i be. they're going to learn eventually. better sooner than later. i need to cut down on the drugs a little too.

hope everyone who still reads this is good. i really want to fix old friendships that i've let fall apart.

"We love the beast to death with sweat and whiskey breath"

I need to stop getting drunk and causing problems.

I'm relatively happy these days...or maybe I'm not. Maybe I just lied to you because I want you all to think I'm happy. You don't know.

There's only one thing in my life that I'm really displeased with and I'm determined to sort it out. By Christmas, with any luck.
However I am popular, talented, not drinking too much anymore, intelligent, and decent looking.

Does that mean I'm happy? Maybe. Maybe it does.

Where are my pills, where is my former lover?
I've been betrayed by everyone I know who's blown my feeble cover

- Say Anything


Pretty much how I'm feeling these days. Especially the first line.

Go download the new radiohead right now.

http://www.inrainbows.com/

It's pay what you want. Just get it. Everyone should be required to hear this music. Maybe then we wouldn't have so much garbage out there.

this year is amazing. like seriously...what happened to make it SO much better than last year?!?

i've never had more fun in my life.

hate to admit it but i miss you. you know who you are.

i don't even know if you read this anymore but i do. i miss you.

with the sole exception of not having Greg as my roomate this semester has been about 100x better than the last one...that's saying alot cause the last one was actually pretty good and i've only been here about a week and a half.

so...i kinda like this boy... : )

last night was SO good.

new update coming soon.

over the crush. moving on.

it's amazing how fast i stop caring.

i have a problem.

there's a guy i really have an incredibly huge crush on but i can't talk to him. i don't think we've ever had a real coversation. we know each other but we don't really. i need a boyfriend.

i need a boyfriend this year.

the song "please please please let me get what i want" is like my anthem right now.


"So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time "